


Weight Of The World

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 11:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12131361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: Gil wanders across Ryder in the middle of the "night," leading to a few conversations that change things.Or an alternate take on how Gil and Ryder get together.





	Weight Of The World

Despite her size, the Tempest, being a marvel of engineering, really should have had an engineering staff, at least one additional engineer. It had been expected that someone on the Pathfinder’s team would have been able to help pick up the slack. Then they’d actually met the Pathfinder’s team, and it had quickly been determined that there wasn’t much of a knack for engineering among those who’d actually stuck it out after the disaster of Habitat 7. According to the paperwork (which, at this point, amounted to nothing in practice), Hayes had been meant to be the reserve engineering specialist, but, given the injuries that she’d sustained, she’d been indefinitely grounded at least until she was through rehab.

Habitat 7 really had done a number on the Hyperion crew. 

So that left Gil as the only engineer on the ship. Which, naturally, led to many a long and sleepless night that stretched into day number two or three. So when his shift could finally be said to end, or at least when he felt confident enough to put the engines under the control of SAM and the ship’s VI for a handful of hours, Gil tended to be exhausted, ready to crawl into his bunk and not emerge for days. Not that he managed ‘days,’ but it was the principle of the thing.

As he headed towards the rear of the ship, though, he felt almost pulled up towards the vid-conference table overlooking the research station. He wasn’t sure why until he found Ryder sitting there, flipping through screens on his omni-tool.

“Ryder?”

The Pathfinder looked up, clearly surprised by the intrusion. “Gil? Something wrong?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing. What are you doing here?” Ryder had his own quarters, with a better view, all things considered, if he wanted to stare at the stars in private. 

Ryder shrugged. “Funny thing, most of the time, no one actually comes up here unless I’ve called a meeting or something. I guess they think it’s too much like work to be up here.” He paused for a moment, his omni-tool flickering out. “So what brought you here?”

“I was... headed towards my bunk, actually.” 

“Don’t let me keep you from your sleep, then,” Ryder said. 

Despite his dismissal, Gil felt there was something bothering the Pathfinder. “Ah, it can wait a bit longer, if you want some company...?”

For a moment, Ryder looked like he might argue, but then he nodded. “I don’t know how good of company I’ll be, but...”

“What’s the problem?” Gil asked.

Ryder sighed. “I was... thinking. About my father.”

“Ah.” Gil hadn’t known Alec Ryder – he’d been a name on paperwork so far as Gil had been concerned before the Hyperion had arrived, and for much of the time between waking up on the Nexus in Andromeda and the human ark’s arrival, they’d assumed that the Pathfinders were all dead. Ryder had spoken a little about how he’d been a fairly absent figure in his life, but... “Anything in particular?”

Ryder scoffed. “How much time do you have?”

Despite the siren call of his bunk, something in Ryder’s tone made Gil instantly mentally clear his schedule – he’d gone this long without sleep, what’s another hour, right? “As much time as you need, Ryder.”

Flashing him a grateful smile, Ryder slipped into silence for a minute, gathering his thoughts. “You know, I’ve spent the last couple of months... waiting for it to really hit me. That my father is dead, that he died to save my life... And really, I don’t think that it’s shock.” He shook his head. “I don’t miss him. I didn’t know him. And... Honestly, what hurts the most isn’t losing him. It’s the fact that... every time I bring him up to the people who knew him at all... It feels like they just keep telling me that I’m not what they wanted as a Pathfinder. That... They’d rather have my father, and none of them seem to really understand that what they’re saying is that... they’d rather I died on Habitat 7, instead of him.”

Ouch. Reason told Gil that it was unlikely that the people speaking to Ryder thought about it in those terms, but that really was the problem, wasn’t it? They might be saying they wanted Alec Ryder’s guiding hand or something like that, that he’d been the one who’d persuaded many of them to drop everything and make the trip to Andromeda, so they’d expected he’d be here to build this bright new future they’d been sold on, but they were still telling the Ryder they had that they’d wished his father had been callous enough to let him die. 

“That’s... yeah. I don’t really know what to say to that.”

Still, the admission got a smile out of Ryder. “At least you didn’t throw some trite platitude about how he’d want me to be happy, or some other crap like that.” 

“I figured you’d heard enough of those, you’d probably hit me for suggesting it,” Gil said with a gentle laugh. He knew all about hearing those stupid canned phrases about how other people felt bad for you. Hadn’t ever been any kind of a comfort for him in the years he’d had to put up with them back in the Milky Way, he’d doubted that Ryder would appreciate them now. 

“Definitely would have thought about it.” Ryder shook his head. “I know they don’t realize it. That’s honestly the biggest part of the problem. That they don’t think about...” He trailed off, stopping himself. “It’s selfish to be thinking about that, right? I mean... I’m the Pathfinder. My job is to do what I can for the whole Initiative. I shouldn’t be-”

“What, thinking about your needs? Ryder... No one expects you to be some kind of superman. You can’t expect to just... push yourself without any concern for your limits.” Granted, Gil recognized that he wasn’t exactly a poster child for awareness of one’s limits, but that was beside the point.

“Are you sure about that? Remember, I’ve got Addison and Tann breathing down my neck, wanting me to keep establishing outposts, find us a new and more solid foothold out here in Andromeda. This whole Pathfinder business... I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean, how could I? The whole Initiative is depending on me, and... If I don’t live up to those expectation...” 

“Does it matter? I don’t mean to the Initiative, I mean to you. Ryder... You’ve got your own needs, Yeah, okay, you’re the Pathfinder, but... You’re still a person. You have your limits.”

“I can’t just... quit. We still need a new home, you know.”

“I’m not saying quit. I’m just saying...” Gil broke off, laughing at himself. “I’m not exactly the one who should be saying these things, I suppose. I mean, look at me. Spending all my time in the engine room, it’s not like I don’t do the same thing you’re doing.”

That actually managed to catch Ryder off guard – he seemed surprised to hear that Gil felt like he did. “I know the pressure on me as Pathfinder keeping me busy. Why do you spend so much time working on those engines?”

Gil mulled over that for a moment. He hadn’t really considered the why of it – sure, there weren’t others on the ship who could really keep the ship going, but there was more to it. He was pushing himself, and... He’d never really tried to figure out why.

“It’s...” He started, not entirely sure where he was going. No one had ever really asked this kind of thing of him. No one really bothered to try and crack the nut that was Gil Brodie. “I grew up pretty much on my own, Ryder. I told you my dad’s gut ‘moved on’ before I was born. It was me and my Mom for a while there. She died when I was still a kid though. No one took me in. I lived on the streets for a long time.”

That surprised Ryder, clearly. “I... I had no idea, Gil.”

“I don’t exactly talk much about it. Don’t want people’s sympathy. Poor little orphan boy, you know? It got old quick.” It had quickly been something he’d avoided turning the conversation to, knowing the way that people tended to react when you said things like that. “Started tinkering with what I could find. Started with old cars, moved up as the Gil legend started to grow... That’s how Vetra found me, word of mouth about how I could fix and maintain and improve anything I got my hands on.” He shrugged. “So yeah... That’s what I’m good at. And... I guess, when that’s all I’ve ever done, especially with all this talk about the Initiative, how we need to be able to provide for the future... It really hit home how much this is all about... laying a foundation, building a legacy.”

He paused – he really hadn’t expected to go into that kind of detail. He never spoke about this stuff, not to anyone. There rarely were people who were even close to being there to hear this. Ryder had been... different. He’d been interested in Gil from pretty much the moment they’d met, but he’d done it in a different way than most of the guys Gil had had brief encounters with back in the Milky Way had done it. He’d clearly been in for the long haul, not just a quick backroom fuck. Even if they hadn’t gotten any further so far than a poker game and some casual flirtation. 

He’d gotten this much out, the rest came out almost easy after that. “It’s maybe not quite the same as... having some family line that follows you, holds your name in the history books as someone to aspire to... but if I can make a difference with the Tempest, make her worthy of keeping the Pathfinder safe, of making a new home for humanity... That’s something I did.” The Tempest was effectively the only ship of her class – the Scourge had seen to that. That meant that she had to be the best, be better than the best, if only to get the Pathfinder to his next destination. With the Archon breathing down their necks, Gil was all too aware that they had every chance of not making it there.

Ryder was quiet for a moment as he mulled that over. “Gil, I...” He looked to be reaching out for Gil-

-and then SAM’s voice cut in. “Ryder, you have an incoming vid-call from Reyes Vidal on Kadara. Shall I put him through?”

Gil tensed – he’d heard from Vetra about Reyes Vidal. Smuggler on Kadara, had helped Ryder out with a handful of things, from getting access to Vehn Terev, the angaran who’d sold out the Moshae to the kett, to resolving the murders around the Port... And she’d also mentioned that he’d clearly had an eye on Ryder, in a less-than professional sense. He knew he had no claim to Ryder – they were still working their way to a kiss, after all, that tended to indicate that anything they might have was still in a potential phase – but he still felt a flash of jealousy at the name.

The realization that he was jealous of the mere possibility of Ryder having anything to do with this Reyes guy made Gil recognize that he was easily going to overstep his bounds with Ryder – if he wanted to have something with the guy, Gil really didn’t have any place to try to stop him, after all. All of a sudden, he was amazed he’d actually opened up to Ryder like he had, and he almost immediately set about trying to undo the damage, close back up and put the walls back into place. “I’ll... let you have some privacy,” Gil said, rising abruptly. “Needed to get some sleep anyway, after all.” He made his way down the ramp back to the Tempest’s main level, heading for the ladders.

Ryder, now suddenly alone at the central table, shot a foul look in the vague direction of the SAM interface in his quarters. “SAM, we need to have a serious chat about ‘timing’...”

***

When Gil woke up, probably fewer hours later than he should have, given the hours he put in, he was honestly a little surprised to find that the Tempest was partway to the Remav system – he’d managed to fall into a fitful sleep imagining that Reyes had called to invite Ryder to some private dinner for two or something. If such a thing were possible on Kadara, even with the sulfur clearing up from its waters.

Still, he went about his duties, and absolutely NOT avoiding Ryder after what had happened. He knew it was irrational – nothing had happened between them, and he didn’t even know what exactly was Ryder’s relationship with Reyes... And thinking of it in those terms made a knot form in Gil’s stomach. 

Intellectually, he knew he was making things up and making them worse more than acting on anything that he knew for sure. He’d have to actually talk to Ryder in order to have anything approaching surety, and that certainly wasn’t happening here. 

It didn’t change that all he wanted was to crawl under a rock – he’d ripped open a proverbial vein for Ryder, and then, once he’d thrown all that out there, he’d run away before Ryder could have said anything, that he found it all too much to handle, that he was actually still interested in him, any possible reaction that might come from Ryder.

He knew he was a coward, but it wasn’t as if anyone but Ryder was going to know it. 

It sounded pathetic to him anyway.

But Gil Brodie was nothing if not stubborn, so, having set about that this would be how he handled things, he was committed. 

That lasted through Ryder’s trip to the asteroid remnant of what had been intended to be the turian golden world. When the Nomad drove back up into the Tempest, and the radiation barriers dropped after the ship was sealed back up, Ryder popped out of the rover, looking up to the engine room. “Gil!” he called, amplified by his omni-tool.

Gil winced at the call, knowing that Vetra and Peebee were down there, hearing him. He’d have no excuse for pretending that he hadn’t heard.

When he poked his head out of the engine room, Ryder, half out of his armor, looked up to him. “Gil. Can we talk somewhere? You and me?” Again, Gil knew he couldn’t put this off, given the audience.

“Sure,” he found himself saying. “Come on up.” He mostly said that because Ryder was already hitting the call for the lift, clearly intending to have this talk now. 

Gil waited until Ryder was up on the second level before retreating into the engine room. Of course, that ‘retreat’ didn’t count for much, considering that, moments later, Ryder followed him in. 

“Gil...” Ryder started, then he hesitated, seeming unsure of where to take the thought next. After a moment, he managed to pick a direction. “Gil, I feel like you want to avoid me, and solely on the basis of someone calling me. You mind... clearing up my confusion here?”

The problem was, Ryder had called it. “I...” Gil sighed. “Look, Vetra brought up Reyes a couple times after your first stop at Kadara. It... kinda sounded like you had a thing for him, so I was... giving you space.” Not exactly the full picture, but enough that Ryder couldn’t say he was lying.

Still, Ryder raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Vetra barely saw any of my interactions with Reyes, since she was busy with her own ‘perfectly legitimate business deal’ with Drack. It seems like his default mode with anyone with flirting. That doesn’t mean, however, that I returned that flirting, or encouraged it.” At least on Ryder’s part – who knew how Reyes had interpreted and reinterpreted events in his mind? “And that doesn’t explain why you’re shutting me out. Just because someone called me? I mean... Gil, I didn’t ask him to get in touch with me. You really think that’s reason to back off entirely?”

Gil winced, realizing that he might be overreacting. 

‘Might be.’ Right.

“Look, Ryder... I’m a very ridiculous person, all right? So let’s just say that this has all been some ridiculous fit of madness and forget about it.”

“Gil... What’s wrong? Why is this bothering you?”

“Because...” For a moment, Gil held back, unsure what to say. He could have gone in a dozen different directions, brush it off with some irreverent comment, try to redirect the conversation, just something that would let this awkward conversation pass. But then his lips moved without him being able to stop them. “Because I like you, Ryder. And... And it’s scaring me how much you’re coming to mean to me. And if... if something, someone else comes along... and I lose that... Ryder, I had nothing. Nothing that kept me tied to the Milky Way. Nothing tying me here – If I’d wanted to, I could have crawled back into one of those pods for another long nap, wake up in a century or something... And no one would know the difference. I’ve never mattered. But when I start getting close to you... I want to matter. I feel like I matter, to someone. And then... something like someone else... What do I have to offer you, Ryder? What can I give you that someone else can’t?”

Ryder was silent – not as a response, just the obvious consideration of how to respond to that. He moved closer to Gil. “Gil... I’ll make this as clear as I have to. You DO matter to me. A lot. And as for Reyes? Yeah, he was inviting me to some party Sloane was throwing. I turned him down. I didn’t want to go out anywhere with him. The only person I’m interested in spending time with right now is you.” 

Then, Ryder placed a hand on Gil’s arm and pressed their lips together. 

After a long moment, Ryder pulled back enough for them to breathe. “You can offer me that, Gil. And I’m not looking for it from anyone else.”

“Oh.” That was about all Gil could process. He hadn’t expected that to actually happen. Maybe in his dreams and fantasies, but not actually in reality. Ryder... really wanted him. Wanted to be with him. “I... Please tell me I’m not dreaming about this.”

“You’re not, Gil. So don’t ever let me catch you thinking you don’t matter again, understood? Because you do. You being here... It’s important to me. Not just having someone to come back to, someone to fight for... I want that someone, specifically, to be you. No one else. I don’t care about you because you’re my engineer. You’ve been my friend to this point, and... I want us to be more than just friends.”

Despite Ryder’s assurances of how this was reality, Gil still couldn’t quite get his mind around that. It was strange to consider – that HE was important to someone, that it wasn’t what he did that made Ryder pay attention to him, it was... wanting something more than just friendship, wanting him, specifically...

Suddenly, Gil felt like the most important person in Andromeda – the Pathfinder wanted him.

“I... I want that too, Ryder. I really want that.”

The smile on Ryder’s face was enough to make Gil feel simultaneously like a million credits and like an ass for doubting that he did matter to Ryder. “Good. So no more of this ‘I don’t matter’ crap. You ever feel like that, you remember that you absolutely DO matter to me. And I wouldn’t want anyone else.”

“I... think I can do that.”

“Good.” 

Then they both jolted at the sound of someone rapping on the glass between the engine room and the main hold. Vetra stood out there, repressing a grin. She activated her omnitool and paged them both, rather than opening one of the doors.

“Guys? Maybe you want to have these conversations NOT in front of the window where everyone can see you?” 

Awkwardly, they both pulled apart. “Uh... So, Gil. The Nomad’s four wheel drive, you said you could... improve its top speed?” Ryder tried, even fully knowing that it was way too late to even attempt to be doing anything remotely professional.

Vetra wouldn’t have bought it on a good day. “Nice try, Ryder, but I already saw you with your tongue down Gil’s throat. Which, again. Location.” With that, she shook her head, cut the comm, and walked away. Which meant the rest of the peanut gallery would know within five minutes.

Still, it got a laugh out of Gil. “Smooth.”

“So apparently I need to learn how to bluff better. Lucky for me, I know someone who can teach me a few pointers.”

“I think I can teach you more than ‘a few’...”


End file.
